Christmas? No, silly. The Bachelor! The show that has stock in wine, candles, and the word “journey”. Let’s see how the premiere turned out, shall we? Follow me…
Let’s start by describing the bachelor himself. His name is Chris Soules, 33 (i think), and…the best part? He’s a freakin’ farmer from IOWA. The state I live in– say what? I consider myself famous now. The premiere started off by showing Chris in a corn field, feeling the stalks as he walks. He’s wearing flannel (obviously) through some of the montage and you get to see the beautiful landscape that is Iowa. #allhail
Chris journeys to Hollywood to the ol’ mansion to meet his future betrothed. Giggity.
As the limos come and go, he’s greeted by 15 women. Then…the suspense begins. The women, in the house (half of which are already tanked), start questioning if there are only 15 women on this season. These women are either stupid, have never watched past seasons, or are just plain horrible actors. I’m going with the latter. The producers do this every season. Taunt the “contestants” with a few of the competition, then dramatically bring in the rest later on in the show. Enough of this…let’s meet the women. For your convenience, I’ve broken them up into categories: Seemingly Normal, Hot Messes, Ones That Haven’t Convinced Me Yet, Please Leave Now. Enjoy.
Kaitlyn (Canadian dancer), Britt (Hollywood waitress), Megan (makeup artist from Nashville), Kelsey (TX widow from MI), Becca (Chiro), Tracy (4th grade teach from FL)
Ashley S. (pomegranate girl), Tara (drunk trainwreck), Trina (spec-ed teacher from Cali), Jordan (student who forced Chris to take a whiskey shot)
Ones That Haven’t Convinced Me Yet
Jillian, Carly (cruise ship entertainer), Whitney (windy city fertility nurse), Ashley I. (journalist from Jersey), Amber, Jade (NE girl turned Cali), Tandra (motorcycle babe), Samantha (fashion designer), Juelia (esthetician), Nikki (former NFL cheer gal).
Please Leave Now
Alissa (annoying stewardess) and Mackenzie (21 yr old mommy)
Ones not making the first-round cut? Bo, Brittany, Kara, Kimberly (not without putting up a fight-she came back!), Nicole (the redhead-my boyfriend’s favorite- ha, sucker!), Reegan (fake heart lady), Michelle (cake decorator), and Amanda (big eyes).
The limos spew the ladies out, they all bring cute props to help them in their hellos to Chris. Tara wore flannel and cowboy boots (then changed into a black dress, snuck back into the limo and re-greeted Chris…don’t worry, he noticed). Reegan showed Chris a fake heart, Tandra rode in on a harley, Carly came in a’singin’, Britt gave Chris the world’s longest hug, Amanda hugs him from behind and won’t let him see her face, Brittany comes dressed in her WWE attire, and Jordan greeted Chris with a mini bottle of whiskey.
My finale prediction after the first night: Whitney wins. Britt second. Kelsey third. The new bachelorette will be Kelsey. Calling it now. I’ll apologize if I’m wrong.
I don’t know about you, but I can hardly wait to see how drunk Tara gets next Monday.